A list of things I’m learning every day// reminders to self//

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//a list of things I’m learning every day// 

reminders to self//


             (i)   when nine year old me wrote a letter to twenty one year old me 
saying she wanted to save the world, she meant it//

             (ii) there is no space big enough to describe how I feel about anything// 
I feel too much about everything, 

which is to say I've learnt that 
my vulnerability is a prelude to my compassion 
and not a consequence of it//

         (iii) I need to stop being scared of saying what I feel and feeling all that I say// 
An "I love you" is rarely succeeded by a question mark,

which is to say that 
I’m twenty one and I'm still trying to get to know me//


                   (iv)  this is not who I wanted to be when I was nine 
but sixteen year old me would be happy I made it through 

and that I'm here now//
     (v)  I've dreamt a lot, which is to say that thirty year old me 
should positively be intimidated by who I'd be by then// 

I only wish I can remember to water the plants 
and take care of myself//

       (vi)  I'm afraid I'll lose myself trying to be who I want to be//

                     (vii) At fourteen, I discovered a whole new world 
where I was loved for all the things 

I'm still learning to love about myself//

(viii) there is no shame in crying because 
it's too loud or too quiet or not loud enough 

or not quiet enough or not enough//
you are enough//


(ix)  In a letter I never wrote to myself, 
I mourn who I used to be 

and say that I'm sorry a hundred and eight times, 
and call it enough times to grieve a feeling I will never feel again//
I'm still sorry//


       (x)  Eleven year old me wrote her first poem as an escape. 
I'm still looking for an exit,

every single door feels locked now//

 (xi)  I was never taught how to stay// 
"Get ready to leave," feels like a prayer that could have saved me 

if only I had learnt it well enough,
"walk away, there is nothing left for you here, 
and be okay with that"//


   (xii) there are some things that I wish would never change, 
but I know that isn't possible//


(xiii)  I'm here and I'm watching the twenty second sunset of today, 
hoping to learn what I mean when I say, "I’m here now,"

hoping to learn how to stay//

emmess

17/05/2020












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