//a list of things I’m learning every
day//
reminders to self//
(i) when
nine year old me wrote a letter to twenty one year old me
saying she wanted to save the world, she meant it//
(ii) there
is no space big enough to describe how I feel about anything//
I
feel too much about everything,
which is to say I've learnt that
my
vulnerability is a prelude to my compassion
and not a consequence of it//
(iii) I
need to stop being scared of saying what I feel and feeling all that I say//
An
"I love you" is rarely succeeded by a question mark,
which is to say that
I’m
twenty one and I'm still trying to get to know me//
(iv) this
is not who I wanted to be when I was nine
but sixteen
year old me would be happy I made it through
and that I'm here now//
(v) I've
dreamt a lot, which is to say that thirty year old me
should positively be intimidated by who I'd be by then//
I
only wish I can remember to water the plants
and take care of myself//
(vi) I'm afraid I'll lose myself trying to be who I want to be//
(vii) At
fourteen, I discovered a whole new world
where I was loved for all the things
I'm still learning to love about myself//
(viii) there
is no shame in crying because
it's too loud or too quiet or not loud enough
or not quiet enough or not enough//
you are enough//
(ix) In
a letter I never wrote to myself,
I mourn who I used to be
and say that I'm sorry a hundred and eight times,
and call it enough times to grieve a feeling I will never feel again//
I'm still sorry//
(x) Eleven
year old me wrote her first poem as an escape.
I'm
still looking for an exit,
every single door feels locked now//
(xi) I
was never taught how to stay//
"Get
ready to leave," feels like a prayer that could have saved me
if only I had learnt it well enough,
"walk away, there is nothing left for you here,
and be okay with that"//
(xii) there
are some things that I wish would never change,
but I know that isn't possible//
(xiii) I'm
here and I'm watching the twenty second sunset of today,
hoping to learn what I mean when I say, "I’m here now,"
hoping to learn how to stay//
emmess
17/05/2020
Beautiful. xii has my heart.
ReplyDeletethank you so much!!
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