Notes to 2018

by 02:15 0 comments


I grew up a lot this year, in a lot of ways. I got my passport renewed, I learnt how to spell Kerala, and I started singing again, this time for myself. I stopped putting my life in a box, or at least trying to. I saw death, up and close. And I mourned, every single day. I still do. I saw death and I tried learning how to mourn. I’m still trying to. I learnt how to grieve and I grieved. I grieved so much that it doesn’t even hurt as much now.  I wrote, and I wrote so much that it almost hurt to. I cried a lot more and I learnt that it’s okay to.

I started sketching again. I sketched my metaphors and called them poetry. I made poetry out of people and called it love. I painted yellow buses and I realised that it wasn’t them that I was missing, but the lack of them.

I started learning how to forgive myself, for something I thought I’d never be able to. I wrote a letter with every bit of my heart and tore it into pieces, before throwing it away.

I made peace with my loss and learnt that it will haunt me, only if I keep the doors open. I shut more doors than ever, and watched a lot less sunsets. I started counting days and waiting for all of it to end.
I started to be more and learnt how to be okay with being more. I became too much and not enough, almost but not there.

And I’m here now. So I might stay, just a little longer.

31/12

//notes to 2018
emmess