some oceans can never drown me

by 00:37 0 comments
I read Kurt Cobain’s suicide note last night. 
Again and again and again and again until it felt as if the words were etched on the wrist of my left hand and a caress by my right hand would make each letter run through my veins, as if they almost always belonged there. 

I’m not sure if it’s okay to be obsessed with someone’s suicide note or for that suicide note to resonate with every cell of your being. 

My body weighs me down. I’m too tired to say the words I want to. Sometimes, I feel like half a person. 
So incomplete. 

I walk around mindlessly thinking of all the words that I could say or things I can do to make it better. But I feel like I could disappear off the face of this earth any minute and nothing would change. 

I have too much love in me that keeps fading away. 
It’s gone, any minute now. 
I think I love too much.

But I don’t worry about myself too much.
I know I’ll be fine. 
It’s too beautiful here to not be. 

But I don’t think I can ever be complete, the way the autumn leaves are when they fall off trees knowing that they’re making way for spring, knowing that they have to. They seem like an awful wreck sometimes but they know where they belong. And they find home in their wreckage. 

And it bothers me that I can never be at home without destroying every cell of my being, every person I’ve ever loved, every person who has ever loved me. 

Every letter I’ve ever written reminds me that the minute I stop looking for things, I find them. But I feel that if I were to stop looking, I’d be giving up and I’m not sure if I’m completely entirely ready to give up yet. 

The ocean looks beautiful tonight. It’s insane how it never tires of conquering every wind that weighs it down. 

I’m scared of the ocean, an awful lot. I’m scared of drowning, of suffocating, of not knowing where to go, of being lost. 
Sometimes, I feel that’s all I am. 

I think someday I might even be able to feel at home around the ocean. 

I don’t know if I ever want to burn out but I’m not ready to fade away either. 

Here’s to not knowing.
To the inexplainable warmth in the chilly airs of the oceans. 
I wouldn’t fade out. 

_some oceans can never drown me.


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