you were a darker shade of the sky for me

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I sit and watch the sky change colours. 
I hate all this empty. 
I always did. 
I always will. 

This has always been the worst time of the year for me.
I hate it. 
I hate it as much as I do packing, maybe more.

This feeling of finality, of withdrawal, of change, of knowing that nothing will be the same a second later, hating that nothing will be the same a second later yet wanting everything to change, the next second.
I don’t understand this feeling.

There is no familiarity even though this is all I’ve ever felt. I guess I’ve just become better at suppressing my emotions and I hate it, even though that’s all I’ve ever been trying to do.

I’ve forgotten your phone number now. 
I deleted it from my phone hoping that I’d forget, knowing that I woudn’t. 
The pattern of those numbers doesn’t feel familiar anymore. 

Only this ache does. 

I ache because I miss the colour of the sky that was before this dark blue, I ache because it reminds me of all the days that I’ve spent waiting for you, I ache because I still wait for you even though you’re here. 
Just not the way I want you to be.



I don’t understand clear skies. 
I’ve never tried to, either. 
I know chaos. 
And commotion.
And music. 
And noise.
And echoes.
And passion. 

I just can’t see it the way you see it, I can’t see us the way you do.

And I’m a little confused about what I see. I’ve always made sense of the blur, but today as I watch the horizons fade away, I can’t tell the oceans from the sky.  
I don’t know what I miss. 
I don’t know what I’m missing.
I’m just empty.
The way the sky is without the moon. 
The way the ocean is without the waves.
The way the constellations are without the stars.
The way unfinished puzzles are.

The sky has become a different shade of dark now and I’ve become really good at spotting constellations. I see two already, more than they are, beyond the emptiness. I see them whole, the rawness, the incomplete, the missing. 
I see a lot of myself in them. 
But I’m not sure if I’m completely ready to, yet.

These days are hard.
They keep getting harder.
I hope you can get through them! 
I really do.
Love, 
Emm
_you were a darker shade of the sky for me
27/02
#lettersfromemm