roadmaps (1)

by 22:29 0 comments
9:35 pm
Tuesday
July 4, 2017

Last week I decided that I will take control of my own life and I went and sat under the rain on the roof of my house for fifteen whole minutes. The next day, I was down with 102 fever, nostrils through which I couldn’t breathe, a really bad headache and an even worse cough.  It’s still raining heavily and I’m still down with fever but if it were up to me, I’d run up to my roof yet again and sit under the rain for another fifteen minutes. I’m not too sure if it was worth it because I have one of the most important exams in my life coming up this Sunday, I had my Debate ECA trials today and I’m still getting my admissions done in the Delhi University. But in those fifteen minutes, I forgot everything.

And man, how amazing it feels to forget everything.

If there is something I’ve realised in the past 18 years of my life, it’s that I do not know how to take decisions. I’m too indecisive a person so I allow everyone but myself to make decisions for me, because that way if things go downhill, I have someone to blame and that someone isn’t me.

I know that’s really not the best strategy to live by but at this point of time, I’m just taking one day at a time, one step at a time. I’m too clumsy to even walk a mile without falling and I think my family should never buy me a new phone or that I shouldn’t be permitted to carry it around. But I do, and I fall, and I get scars here and there and scratches on my phone all the time.

My phone covers and my bags are full of pen marks because I think that’s just who I am as a person now.  Everything is so baseless and I spend everyday waiting for a miracle. I think the fact that I can still hope is yet another miracle.


My life is changing and I’m starting college in another 15 days yet I’ve nothing figured out, starting with my career. I keep telling myself I’ll figure it out but it’s been so long that I’ve taken a backseat in my own life and I let it steer me wherever it may.

The clock’s always ticking and I’m always craving for waffles and I cannot sit with the A.C. on because I have fever but it’s too hot without the A.C.. And I’ve been avoiding people and life for way too long already. I guess I’m just afraid to blame myself because I don’t think I’ll ever be able to live with it.

It’s still raining and I can hear all of it.
Some days, I wish that this is all I ever have to hear. And on others, I wish I could block out all this noise, forever.

Life feels like a sad lullaby that I just cannot get out of my head but cannot recall the lyrics to either.

I’m too numb to walk on my own mistakes. But I will get through. I have to.

I have too many roadmaps that I’m yet to follow.
One day, I might have the courage to draw my own.
And the day I do, it’ll be the most beautiful roadmap of this galaxy.
I wish I do, I really do.

Hope gets me everywhere, anyway.
It’ll get me through this too.
Love,
Emm

10:00 pm