A lot drowning

by Muskan Sethi 16:02 0 comments Confessions Rants

Sometimes I feel my right foot is a little wider than my left. Although it’s perfectly symmetrical from the outside looking in, on the inside, it just doesn’t seem to fit. I feel like I’m living in someone else’s right foot, every single second. But it’s not too big for me and it’s not too small either. It still doesn’t feel right. It can’t ever seem to.

Maybe that’s how I feel in life these days.

Everything seems to be in place, from the tip of my tongue till the last of my breath, but me. I am everything but in place. To be honest, I can’t ever figure out where I am and I have always been a little Audrey Hepburn when it comes to directions and maps. I never know where I’m going.

But some days feel worse than others. I feel like I’m swimming while I’m drowning yet I can’t ever seem to touch the surface. I never know which direction is the surface. 

Will I sink if I try too hard?

Maybe I’m already sinking. Maybe I’m a little sinking, a lot drowning. Or maybe I’m just a lot sinking.

I thought we all sounded the same underwater but then how can I still tell your voice from the others. How can I still hear the music of your laughter, the exact decibels of your snort even though I haven’t heard it in years? And I can hear myself scream too. I can hear myself scream in whispers because I can’t get too loud. I don't know what direction I’m sinking in yet.

I’m looking for the surface, I’m looking for myself.

I can’t ever seem to find the right words to tell you how I’m feeling.

Maybe I’m just too lost for myself. A little too sinking, a little too drowning.

I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t know where here is anymore, just somewhere I can’t be anymore.

I’m losing myself a little more every second.

Nothing feels right. Nothing. 

Sometimes I wish I can make more sense than I do, that I can figure out what direction is sinking and which one is drowning, that I can find the surface, find myself.

Where am I going?

Where do I belong?

_Maybe my right foot is always meant to be a little wider than my left one.