fade in

by 01:28 1 comments

smile and wave
wipe that face
get those tear stains off
fix your make up
pretend you're laughing
a bit more teeth
a bit less real
some more energy
and less of you
smile and wave
some more grace

If you put some blush on the right corner of your left cheek, maybe you can hide that scar. And if you cover up your head with that black scarf, they might not notice your baldness as much. Black scarf, not red. You do not want to invite too much attention. And yes, a muffler around your neck, of course. They shouldn't see those choking marks. You need to hide them well. 

Wear those reading glasses you have, the ones with the grey frames. Not those sunglasses, darling. Not today, not now. The sun won't burn your eyes when your face is too burnt already. 

Don't darken the kohl too much, a little less, a little less. You need more of that concealer. Use that eyeshadow maybe and darken the concealer. Hide your face, maybe? Some more of that concealer. A little more blush. Why don't you wear a mask today? 

No, a mask would attract too much attention. 

Some more concealer. That oil isn't working. The lotions aren't either. What cream did you throw away last time? Your face pack expired maybe. It doesn't seem to work. 

Maybe don't wear those earrings today, they're too pretty for you. 

A little less bold. A bit more shy. But not too shy. Just enough to hide yourself. 

Could you fade in? Maybe you could. Pretend you're the wall. Maybe you'd be better off like that. 

That dress, really? No. Try on something else? 
No no no, you can't pull off this look either. You need to wear something dark, something simple, something plain, nothing attractive at all, something that can dim in the background. Something that makes you the background.

Darling, don't dream so far, the spotlight isn't meant for people like you. The backstage isn't either. You're meant to hide behind those curtains, in the space between the stage and the backstage. 

Sometimes, you don't fit anywhere. Maybe that's why you need to hide. 

Don't show me your teeth. But smile. Maybe a bit more teeth. Trim your laughter a bit. Sound like a lady, even though you could never. 

Close in on the space between your feet. People like you shouldn't take too much space. Fit in within yourself. Sometimes that's the only place you can fit in. Maybe you're meant to stay there. 

Don't move too much. Don't fiddle too much. You'd attract too much attention if you do. 
Stay within yourself. 

Cover up your hands too, these gloves maybe? These scars aren't too appealing either. Pull down your sleeves. We don't want to see those marks. 

you're still taking up too much space. You need to cut down on your weight. On a lot of it. This isn't the way we want to see you. You're not meant to be like this. 

Maybe a little thinner, a little taller. why are your feet so long? why are your thighs so huge? cover yourself up. fade in. smile and wave. don't let them know what goes inside. 

what will you tell them when they ask about you? No, no, no. Not the truth. Never the truth. you can't say that. And you're too loud, your voice too shrill. Be soft, make your voice inaudible. Do not be heard. Do not say anything. Fade in. Be as silent as the wall behind you. 

Whisper. Whisper when you want to scream. 
Smile. Smile when you're about to choke. 
Laugh. Laugh when you need to cry.  

But not too loud. Not too you. A little less real. A lot less you. 

silence. i need you to be silent. still. invisible. i want you to be there, but not be there. 
fade in. smile and wave, darling. smile and wave. And they would never notice. 

1 comment:

  1. Dude, this hit me differently with every word I read! You're amazing emm - More power to you!!!