Whispered Silences

“Welcome to a world that has no exit gates.”

Marking off days in my calendar kills me inside, every single time.

Every day is a struggle, a game of chess between reality and illusions.

And then reality takes over, of course. After all, for how long can you delude yourself?

Honestly, I wish I had left when I had the chance to.

Instead, I chose to stay, even when everyone else begged me not to, especially when everyone else begged me not to.

And now, every day is about defending my decision, choosing to not leave, and looking for reasons to stay.

I don’t even know if I want to stay anymore, but somehow, I feel like I have to.

But, I can’t really stand for myself when I know I am wrong, can I?

I got a call last night at 2am. I could hear someone weep on the phone. I could hear the tears, the choking and all the regret that was bottled in. I knew it was him. I just didn’t have enough courage to say what I needed to, to say what I should have, years ago.

I wish I had said something, though, anything.

I wish I had told him that I was sorry, that I was sorry for everything.

I wish I had told him that I knew what happened years ago wasn’t his fault, it wasn’t his choice either.

I wish I’d told him how much he still means to me, that I still have to cry myself to sleep every single night and that I still wake up in the mornings, unable to breathe, because I can’t imagine another day of my life without him.

I wish I’d told him that I was so very glad that’d met and that I didn’t regret a single day that we were together.

I wish I’d told him that if we had better timing, we would have made it and that we will make it, in a parallel universe, if not this one.

I wish I’d asked him to stay, to stay for a while at least, before leaving like he did every single time.

I just wish I’d said something, anything, anything at all.

But I didn’t.

I said nothing and all he heard was my silence.

I knew that he going to say something, though. I could hear that in his silence but I didn’t have enough courage to hear what he had to say, so I cut the line, like I did, years ago.

Nothing remains to be said anymore.

It’s just whispered silences and unspoken words. That’s it.

And probably that will always be it.

Till the next time,

And even beyond,

Love,

Emm.