Holding On?

by 21:00 0 comments
Dear Kaira, 

It’s winters again. You know how much I hate them? Their breathtaking stillness, their petrifying dullness and their sour existence. They could kill me with just their being.
But then again, they already do.

My heart feels very heavy these days. It's like there's a weight on it which I can't lift. A feeling that I can’t shake off. And it’s suffocating me. Beyond bounds. Beyond words. 
I don’t think I know how to breathe anymore.

There’s this fear within me that I can’t speak off.
And it’s growing on me. Faster than wildfire. 
The fear and everything about it.

I don’t know how to deal with it anymore.                          
I’m scared, Kaira. I really am.
Of things and people, I thought were mine.

What is happening to me? Tell me, please!

Kaira, I don’t even know how to drown my feelings anymore. This silence doesn’t help either. It just escalates their desires to take over me and take everything from me, everything I am.
I’m scared of my own feelings, Kaira. I'm scared of me.

And I am aching. My heart’s aching. And this is not the ache you feel when you’re about to heal.
I know I'm not healing, Kaira. I am beyond all repair.

This is something else. Something scary. Scarier than ever.  

The clocks are ticking.
The time is turning.
The doors are shutting.
The walls are closing in on me, Kaira. They’re closing in on me.

There are too many pieces of the picture, scattered. Just scattered. 
And I can’t find the right piece.
I can’t fix this puzzle.
I can't fix me. 

And Kaira, I was always so good with puzzles. I’d always been the one to solve them first.
But I don’t know how to find the right piece, anymore.



I don’t even know what I’m looking for, Kaira.
I don’t know what to look for. 
Do you?
Do you know what you’re looking for, Kaira?
Does anyone, really?

What has happened to me?
I wasn’t like this before. I was never like this.
And you know that.

I used to be different. So different. I used to laugh. I used to laugh so much. And I lived. I lived like there was no tomorrow. I lived like I didn’t have a single care in this world. And I lived like this was the end. Nothing beyond it.
What happened, then? What happened to me?
Why have I lost the reason of my being?
Why have I lost me?

Maybe, your loss has crumpled me. 
Maybe.
And maybe my loss will heal me.
Maybe.
I don’t know if I can deal with it anymore.
Do you?
Can you help me?
Will you help me, Kaira?

Then, take me away with you.
Take me away, please?
Because I want to let go.
I can’t hold on anymore.
Take me away.
As far away as you can.
And further beyond. 

Further than where the bounds of time can reach and further than where silence has a hold over me.
Further than you. And further than me.

I’ve had too much of loss to last a lifetime. And too much of rejection to last another one.
But, maybe you can fix me. Maybe, I can heal.
Maybe, I can be different.
Just, maybe.

It’s a scary time to live in and it’s a sad little world to be crazy in.
How do I deal with any of this, anymore?  
Tell me.
How do I deal with anything, anymore?
How?

Tell me before it's too late. Tell me, please.
Till then,
And maybe, even beyond,
Love,

Emm.