Finding Closure

by 12:14 0 comments
A broken mirror looks best when it is devoid of all reflections.


Lately there's a lot that’s been going on in my life. A lot that I have had to deal with and a lot that I have hidden away in places, unheard of. 

And as hard as it is for me to admit at this moment, my heart’s not in a very safe place right now. 

The truth is, a few months ago, I lent it to someone else.
And I still haven’t gotten it back. Not completely, at least. 
Honestly, I never thought that I’d ever be so reckless to have my own heart missing, or lost, for that matter, but I eventually found out, it was never mine to keep in the first place. 

After all, I do believe in the theory that we lose ourselves in everything that we love and after a while, we lose who we are.

That’s it. 
I lost my heart to a stranger. 
And I don’t think I’m ever going to get it back.
Not in its entirety, at least.  
After all this time, I have found enough reason to believe that it’s gone. That it’s missing. 
But the worst part is that I’m not even looking for it. 
Not anymore, at least. 
I’m tired of looking for it. 
It’s too hard. It really is. 
And I’m not ready to deal with what comes with the search. Not now.

To be honest, I have changed. I have changed a lot since I first met you and it’s not a good change. It’s not the change that I wanted. Because it made me a different person. And I’m not the person that I wanted to be. I’m not the person I set out to be. I’m not me. Not anymore, at least. I’m someone else. Someone completely else. And I don’t like this someone at all. 

You know, sometimes, I wish that I could go back to the moment I met you and walk away. Avoid all our chaos and be free of you, just be free, of you and of our little ‘we’. 
But sometimes, I wish that I could do it again, do it all over again. Maybe, even a million times over. 

Because, who knows, someday we might actually end up having a different story. A much happier one.
But that's the thing. We never really do.
Because that is not our story. 
This is. 

Don't get me wrong here, I’m not a huge fan of how things turned out to be with us, but somewhere deep down, I’m glad that things took the course they did. That they were meant to.  

Because I learnt a lot from us. From everything that happened, from you, from me, and from our little ‘we’. 


I learnt that love always takes the course it desires to and that if doesn’t, you’re not really fooling anyone, are you? 
I learnt that everything happens for a reason and if you can’t find a reason good enough, then maybe you didn’t look hard enough. 

I found out that you don’t give up on the people you love. Even when they are begging you to. Especially when they are begging you to.  And that you don’t let go of them easy. You never do. 

Because it’s very hard to find people for whom you’d be happy to dive, headfirst, into an ocean swarming with your deepest and greatest fears. Or those who’d be honoured to do the same for you. Because they matter. And it’s hard to find people who matter. In a world, constantly chasing things they don’t actually want, these people keep you sane, they keep you true and they keep you 'you'.  

But I also learnt that sometimes, no matter how hard it is or who it is, giving up is the only choice left. Sometimes, you run out of all options and letting go is all that remains. Sometimes, you need to make that choice. The one that almost kills you. The one that changes everything in your life and the one that changes you.  Because if you don’t make that choice for you, someone else will. And you can’t let someone else make those choices for you. They’re yours to make. 

In the end, I learnt that things have their own ways of happening, and if it’s really, really meant to be, it will. And if isn't, it really wasn’t. 
And we weren’t really meant to be. We never actually were. I know that now.

But, still I’m glad that we happened. I really am. 
But I’m happier that we’re over.  
And even though it kills me to say this, thank you for letting go. 
Because if we hadn’t fallen apart, we wouldn’t have been able to make way for better things, for things that are meant to be, and for things that will. I’m sure of that. 

All of this had to be said.
For this is closure for me. 

And well, better on paper, that on hearts. 

Dear Stranger, 
This is not our goodbye. Our goodbye was long ago. 
This is just my way of saying it. 

Thank you for listening. 
It’s been an honour.  

Now, that’s something gotten out of the way.
I still have a lot to deal with, though. 
And I will, with time. 
I hope you do too.  

Good times are coming. 
Till then’
Love, 

Emm.