Dear H

Dear H,

You know what kills me, H? What kills me over a billion times whenever I think about it?

That I have a thousand reasons to cry, a thousand reasons to bleed to death with my tears and yet I cry because of you. Just because of you.

And it hurts so much. It hurts to know that this is the end. It hurts to know that things will never be the same again. And it hurts to know that who I love the most is the reason behind all my pain.
Loving you wasn’t a choice, you know? It was a decision for me. A very hard decision. Yet one I made, anyway.

Trusting doesn’t come easy with me. I’ve had some really bad history when it comes to trust. But I guess that you already knew that, didn’t you?

And you know what, H? I trusted you. I trusted you with all my heart and soul. I trusted you in my entirety.

And I don’t think I can ever forgive myself for that.

I guess I should stop trusting people, you know?

Yeah, I guess I should.

Because trusting you has broken me, H. It has.

And I’m shattered now.

I don’t think I can ever be fixed. I can’t even fix myself.

I’m so lost, H.

And I don’t think I can ever forgive myself for putting all my trust in you. For bearing my soul to you. For reaching out, knowing that I'd be hurt.

Why’d you have to do it, H? Why?

Was hurting me not enough that you had to go ahead and break me? Completely and Entirely.

You know, I’m not scared of the dark anymore. And I guess I have you to thank for that. The dark doesn’t frighten me anymore. If anything, it awakens me. It brings me back to life.

You know why?

Because they can’t see my tears in the dark. And in the dark, I find enough reasons to forget you.

The moon doesn’t lighten me up either these days. I didn’t think that I’d ever have to see nights like these. But I have to. And it kills me to know that, H. It does.

The stars try to talk to me, you know? But I don’t speak to them. And they know that I’m not afraid of them anymore.

I’m not afraid of anything anymore.

Because I lost myself, didn’t I?

And I guess I just wanted to thank you for that.

I didn’t think I’d ever have the courage to tell you this but you made me fearless, H. And I know I’m eternally indebted to you for that. Because you made me realize that it’s all a hoax. It’s all a play, a scam, a fake intervention with reality.

This world’s playing a big game with us. And the worst part is that we let it.

We’re all alone, H. We are. Even if we are together.

And the sooner we realize that, the less we’ll hurt.

I know that that doesn’t make bearing the pain any easier but it does make it softer. By just a decibel.

By just a decibel, H.

To softer pain.

To haunted nights.

To undeniable misery.

And to those unspoken whispers.

I’m letting it all go. H.

I’m letting it all go now.