two pairs of rain boots,
three bars of dark chocolate,
a dream-catcher,
a night lamp,
an umbrella,
granny’s homemade brownies,
two cups of flour,
no sugar,
a pinch of salt,
and a teaspoon of vanilla essence,
oh, add a pack of Kit Kat to the list.
three yellow roses,
two orchids,
make a bouquet out of it,
and a letter to granny,
a handmade note,.

I need some butter paper too,
and black felt tip pens,
cat food for Ginny,
the neighbours keep forgetting to feed her,
and more cereal,
fruit loops and plain butter O’s,
Choco loops for days on which it rains.
I need to buy a raincoat for whiskers,
he finds refuge under my car,
and there’s not enough space for two.
a spare tyre for my car,
and one for the cycle in the corner,

I need to start cycling again,
on highways and flyovers,
more tunnels and less streets.
Add a helmet to the list too,
and some knee pads,
two pairs actually.

Three boxes of tissue papers,
two for my sick friends
we definitely need more chocolate.

Can I order Ice Cream from amazon too?

Is that a fortune cookie jar?
I need 4 of those,
and I only want the good fortune ones!




Maybe I can get a camera too,
no wait that’s getting out of budget,
how about reel for my Polaroid

And a diary for the pictures?
23 days of January,
and my 17th diary,
of the year already.

I need crayons,
lots of crayons,
thirty two white crayons
and two sketchbooks,
one that I can keep under my pillow,
and the other that I can hide
under the seat of my car.

I need a new Frank Sinatra CD,
and a CD player too!

How about another Ipod from 2013,
and some change for my piggy bank,
maybe another piggy bank too!

I need new curtains,
there’s too much sunshine,
and they don’t let enough of it through.
And a DVD of Ellen’s latest stand up,

I need more laughter,
I could do with some Hanna Gadsby too!
maybe more poetry,
add a Murakami to the list.

hmm, the list still feels incomplete,
add more sunshine
and a little more laughter too,
so on days, my room feels a little too empty,
I can have my bucket list fill up the gaps through!



06/01/2019

(i) I’ve been trying to write a letter to you since the past three months and there’s never been so much music and so much silence in the same seconds. 

(ii) I breathe you through my music and you live through my heartbeat. Kissing you feels like unwriting a song, the lyrics of which I‘ve forgotten. Kissing you is like drowning, though I know how to swim. I’ve always been afraid of the ocean, so I've pretended that I know how to swim, ever since I was seven. 

(iii) The constellations feel like chords to your favourite songs, and it’s getting louder out here. I wish I hadn’t broken the record player, that you got me for my last birthday. there are thirteen different CD’s that I know the tracks to, better than breathing, that refuse to burn. I burn your photographs and I forget how to breathe. So I got a tattoo in the shape of your heartbeat, it’s not all the same. 

(iv) as a kid, I used to count the number of yellow coloured buses on the roads and I always thought that this world did not have enough yellow coloured buses so I started sketching them and making music out of them. Twenty one different shades of yellow in three different sketchbooks, as I trapped as much sunshine as I could, in the pages of those books. The lighter yellow coloured buses were acoustic songs, whose lyrics I wrote at the back of your hands and the darker ones were symphonies that I could never really understand. Like you. 




(v) when my sketches did not feel like music enough, I started strumming on days it rained and it never rained enough for me to be louder than your laughter. And damn, did I want to drown your laughter in the beats of a song that I can never clearly remember! 

(vi) it’s 8:16 pm on a sunday and I have a list of words that I want to say to you. So I made a crossword out of them, and struck out all the letters that are in your name. I’ve made a map out of them now, that feels more lost that I ever could. 

(vii) I’ve made a habit out of collecting words and making poetry out of people. there are nine different grocery lists hidden in the drawers of my bedside table, that remind me how strange it feels to have everything I need and be exactly where I need to be, and still not belong.

(viii) I’ve been trying to write a letter to you since the past three months and there is so much that I could say to you and music that I could send. Yet, all I post are empty postcards with stamps and sometimes, I wonder, if that’s how it ends. 


//06/01 
//empty postcards and emptier crosswords 
emmess 



Today completes 4 years of a home, 4 years of a little poetic blog! It’s been an absolutely beautiful journey, thank you for being a part of it and making it what it was! 

Hope you stay! 
love, 
emm
//notes to 2019

(i) do not get killed. 
(ii) too much Chocolate makes you sick. 
(iii) do not go around telling everyone that you’re an RSS supporter. 
Someone might actually believe you.
(iv) stop making u-turns on third gear.
(v) you do not have to honk at every cow you see. they don’t know that it means that you think that they have too much privilege.
(vi) stop being so terrified of cats. they don’t bite unless they do.
(vii) Indian Idol will come back, you’ll get through.
(viii) you’re a vegetarian even if you eat eggs in desserts. Screw people who say otherwise!
(ix) save up for that typewriter, you can sell it in the 22nd century.
(x) hold on to old woollen sweaters, they’ll be warmer 30 years down the line.
(xi) take more pictures of things you love, even if it is Archana Puran Singh!
(xii) stop obsessing over your niece, you already know she will grow up to be you!
(xiii) kumar sanu is gold, paint his music on your walls.
(xiv) buy less diaries and write more.
(xv) no two years are the same, remember that! 

//30/12
emmess

2018 in a picture.








I grew up a lot this year, in a lot of ways. I got my passport renewed, I learnt how to spell Kerala, and I started singing again, this time for myself. I stopped putting my life in a box, or at least trying to. I saw death, up and close. And I mourned, every single day. I still do. I saw death and I tried learning how to mourn. I’m still trying to. I learnt how to grieve and I grieved. I grieved so much that it doesn’t even hurt as much now.  I wrote, and I wrote so much that it almost hurt to. I cried a lot more and I learnt that it’s okay to.

I started sketching again. I sketched my metaphors and called them poetry. I made poetry out of people and called it love. I painted yellow buses and I realised that it wasn’t them that I was missing, but the lack of them.

I started learning how to forgive myself, for something I thought I’d never be able to. I wrote a letter with every bit of my heart and tore it into pieces, before throwing it away.

I made peace with my loss and learnt that it will haunt me, only if I keep the doors open. I shut more doors than ever, and watched a lot less sunsets. I started counting days and waiting for all of it to end.
I started to be more and learnt how to be okay with being more. I became too much and not enough, almost but not there.

And I’m here now. So I might stay, just a little longer.

31/12

//notes to 2018
emmess





day1: running away. 

There’s something beautiful about certainty, knowing where your next few steps will take you, knowing your way home and not messing up the directions every time you see a turn, knowing that the sunset will lead you back home, and that there is a forever, though just in books and stories, there still is one.

The past few years have been very uncertain, as if I’m running after a train that I was never supposed to even board. There are two exits in front of me and I keep walking away from them, looking for another one. Mostly, I think, it’s because I’m scared. to be honest, I know that I am, every single day, even more so during the winters when the tick-tock of the clock is so much louder yet you hear every single decibel of the silence call out your name, telling you that it’s not okay.

I’ve been looking at the clock an awful lot. They say time heals all wounds but every second of unhealed wounds makes them burn a lot harder. There are burns from memories I wish I could let go of. It’s been a tough year, and there are tougher times ahead.

I hope that you can stay strong and find a home for the darkest and the coldest of this winter.  

love, 
and the lack of it. 
emm.


20/12.








breakfast table looks a lot like
three different types of newspaper publications,
and a lot of plates.
six chairs gathered around a marble table,
that’s always too cold to touch.

four chairs filled with seven plates,
almost as if we try to disguise our emptiness,
with the overcompensation of cutlery.

we don’t eat too much these days,
but there is more conversation,
maybe to make up for the lack of it,
for so long.

there is some laughter too,
loud music on a low volume.
when phones ring, we excuse ourselves
from a conversation that isn’t without us.

there are seven doorbells
on an average,
shuffling around of keys,
and the retelling of the day’s stories.



if our breakfast table were a letter,
it’d be so full yet so empty.

seven different sides in blue ink
and four empty pages,
almost as if we were leaving behind space
for those who left us behind.

and like clockwork,
each of the chairs empty themselves,
more plates, more glasses, more cutlery,
less words, less laughter, less chatter.
and we all walk away.

four chairs empty with the other two now,
all of them alone, yet together,
as the lights switch off and all sounds drift away,
till another meal, till another day. 

 
//table for four.
emmess

16/12/18

6:53am: 
I’m on my way to school, 
wearing the same grey plaid skirt 
that I’ve worn since the past 7 years, 
I untangle the pleats,
one by one,
my heart tangles a little. 

7:43am: 

I sit in the assembly
we’re discussing laws today, 
right to life, 
right to freedom of speech and expression,
right to privacy,
section 377. 
“it is a sin,” shouts a voice from the back, 
“abnormal,” shouts one from the front,
“should not be allowed,” chimes in from my side.
The audience growls in unison, “abnormal”
I see myself mouth the same word 
over and over and over and over again.
I fall in with the crowd,
today I am normal. 

9:21am:

I paint two girls in my art class, 
there faces fairly engulfing each other, 
her hand over her hips,
the other wanders a little wildly, 
i taste the shade of their lips on paper.
13 minutes later,
my art professor tears the sheet in 32.


11:47am: 

middle of my day, 
we’re out in the field, 
tiffin boxes and laughter, 
empty tiffin boxes and laughter.
I make a list of 43 ways, 
to tell my friend 
there is a closet,
that I refuse to hide inside. 
She giggles,
and I smell sunshine, 
44 ways now. 





12:19pm

the washroom cubicle is a closet, 
that I walk in and out of, 
in and out, 
in and out, 
in and out, 
in and out. 
I’ve heard metaphors 
help deal with reality.
I’m not closeted anymore, 
I feel naked today,
I stare at myself 
in the broken scarred bathroom mirror
that my school hasn’t changed 
in the past 73 years, 
I refuse to wipe off my tears today, 
today I’m normal. 

12:53pm

my friend borrows my notebook
to copy the last 3 sentences of today’s classwork. 
As I hand it over,
covered in the uniform brown paper,
I remember the rainbows, 
and hearts, 
and “I want to 377 you”
scribbled over the last few pages. 
I snatch it back, 
I remember I’m normal today. 

1:17pm:

i see colours a lot differently, 
I don’t wear black or white.
I don’t want to.
black and white, 
the closet I do not feel
like locking myself in, 
I don’t like calling it a closet either, 
my closet’s very colourful, 
it has 53 different shades of yellow,
it feels a lot like home. 
I call black and white a box, 
the brown cardboard box
that you sell your old newspapers in. 
I don’t want to be yesterday’s newspaper. 
I don’t feel at home there. 
Today I’m normal.

1:47pm:

I’m on my way home, 
wearing the same grey plaid skirt 
that I’ve worn since the past 7 years, 
I let the pleats stay tangled, 
as I untangle my heart. 
today, I’m normal. 


_untangling the pleats 

26/09




emmess
a few days ago, my friend shared her story with me. This is dedicated to her; more power to you! 💙